I love you
Lydia has been told she could be out by the 19th at the earliest. Her brother is getting married on the 1st so she hopes she gets out as early as possible! She says her depression has come back but she’s still forcing herself to eat even though she has no appetite. She rode a horse named Cooper the other day which is super awesome because she is terrified of horses but he reminded her of Eeyore so she said she had fun.
She said she and her therapist are getting closer, which is good, but Lydia doesn’t want to get too attached since she’s leaving soon.
Her journey isn’t over yet, please continue to keep her in your thoughts!
Lydia called me from Arizona today. She couldn’t remember the last time we talked, she didn’t know if she told me that she was going to the E.D. program. She said that’s probably because her brain was malnourished at the time and she was on a lot of medication before she left Texas. She says Arizona is really truly helping her in many ways. She’s slowly gaining weight and getting her mind back on track. Her doctors decreased the amount of medications she’s on and she’s feeling a lot less depressed. I am incredibly thrilled to hear such great news! She’s really happy that the program is mainly girls her age, so she feels like there’s more support in the community aspect of it. And she’s overwhelmed by how beautiful Arizona is, especially the star-gazing at night because there aren’t a lot of lights to detract from the sky.
Lydia gave me the address and phone number of the clinic, so you can call or write to her if you’d like!
Lydia Deming - c/o Remuda Ranch at The Meadows
One East Apache Street
Wickenburg, AZ 85390
phone: (928) 668-4504
I hate myself so much i wish I was dead (out if hospital)(going to eating disorder place tomorrow)
I talked with Lydia again today. She said the program has really helped her so far. She’s being heavily medicated and said she’s felt really out of it for most of the time she’s been there, but she hasn’t been as depressed up until today. However, she told me that she’s had more panic attacks during her stay in Texas than she’s ever had before. They have mostly been triggered by the fact that she gets locked into her room for an hour and a half every time she eats so that she isn’t able to purge. This has stressed her out so much that she hasn’t been eating much at all so that she won’t be locked in the room because she says it feels like punishment for eating. She blacked out in the shower the other day from working out on an empty stomach. She really needs prayers and positive thoughts right now, guys. Although she’s been extremely anxious during her stay, it’s been good for her. She’s working through her illnesses with the help of group therapy, individual therapy, art and music therapy, recreational therapy (she runs during this time), medication, and EMDR therapy (which she says is working really well). As I mentioned in the last post, she will be transferred to an eating disorder program in Arizona later this week, which she is very anxious about for the most part. She’s excited at the same time though because she feels it’s really going to help her, plus she gets to swim and ride horses during her stay there, which will be a nice change.
Lydia has such a big heart. More than any of the little details about her own stay, she wanted me to let tumblr know about a specific person that’s in the program with her at Timberlawn in Dallas because of the extreme injustices against him. Skylar is a transgendered woman (transitioning from male to female) that has been at the program for a few weeks now. At first, she had her own room to herself, though the rest of the people at the program have a roommate. When the facility became too full in the past few days, they moved her to a different room and gave her a roommate. A male roommate. It’s completely a dismissal of her rights. She hasn’t had a sex change operation, but she identifies as a woman, and shouldn’t be forced to room with someone who identifies as the opposite sex. In fact, it should be illegal for Timberlawn to place her with a male roommate. Lydia wanted this to get out there, so spread this around please. This will be the second night that Skylar has to stay in a room with a male roommate. Last night she drug her mattress into the hall to sleep as a protest of this, and she plans to do it until she is placed with a female roommate or in a room of her own.
Again, prayers, positive thoughts, and good vibes are appreciated.
Sorry for not posting an update sooner, Lydia has been very busy at the program. I hadn’t heard from her for a couple of weeks but she called me tonight and left a voicemail since my phone was dead when she called. I plan to talk to her tomorrow to get more details on her progress, but this is what she told me in the voicemail:
"I’m on lots of medication, but I’m feeling great. I’ll be leaving here around next weekend, and flying straight to Arizona to go to an eating disorder facility. There’s a bunch of crazy people here but it’s okay, I’ve got a friend Alex here; he’s the craziest…now he’s threatening to smack me (laughs)"
I’ll post another update soon now that she’s given me a number to reach her at! Continue to pray for her and keep her in your thoughts please!
I haven’t heard from Lydia today, but I’m not sure how often she has access to her phone. We planned to write letters to each other throughout her treatment, so hopefully she updates me soon so you can all be reassured she’s doing alright. Sorry for not having more to tell you today.
Lydia has been transferred to an in-patient program in Dallas, where she has just arrived. She is anxious about the whole situation and still would appreciate prayers and good vibes. She says she’s scared and feels like she’s going to throw up, but she’s too pooped to say more tonight, so look for an update in the morning. These are the first steps towards healing and she is so excited to start fresh even though it’s rough at the moment.
*note: please continue to send messages of encouragement to her through her inbox, I’ll print them out and mail them to her this week so she can see them
You're not alone; many of us have had suicidal thoughts at some point in our lives. Feeling suicidal is not a character defect, and it doesn't mean that you are crazy, or weak, or flawed. It only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. This pain seems overwhelming and permanent at the moment. But with time and support, you can overcome your problems and the pain and suicidal feelings will pass.
You can survive if you do either of two things: (1) find a way to reduce your pain without causing more pain by being unhealthy, &/or (2) find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible.
Thank you for your support. :)
People do get through this -- even people who feel as badly as you are feeling now. Statistically, there is a very excellent chance that you are going to recover. I hope that this information gives you some sense of hope.
It really does. Thank you.
EVERYBODY IS CARRYING SOMETHING AND THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN LAY IT DOWN IS YOU. (JUST DONT PICK IT BACK UP!)
That’s the plan. :)